I Know Everything

There should be a dance move called the corndog.  I am not sure what it would entail, or how you would go about doing it, but it should be performed whenever up tempo 80's R n' B music is playing, like Technatronic or Naughty By Nature.  and it should be announced before one starts gyrating (or whatever).  I picture a whole dancefloor of hip youngsters yelling 'CORNDOG!' before starting.  Maybe it could be a line dance, like country bars have, or maybe even a throwback to the whole disco thing.


In science fiction movies that deal with LIFE IN THE FUTURE, there is always an immense fixation upon the 'pill meal' concept, where to enjoy a whole three course meal just by popping a pill.  While this dream has yet to become a reality (although I have heard that the Wonka corporation has made leaps of progress with their dinner gum line, with the exception of the disastrous dessert portion)  I feel as if maybe science is selling itself short by sticking strictly to food.  If other countries surpass us in this realm of condensed pill form creature comforts, america may find itself in a 'pill form gap' as it were.  Consider these ideas:  Pill form sleep - wherein one could experience a night of eight hour sleep in the twenty minutes it takes for the gel cap to dissolve and enter the bloodstream.  Or maybe a pill form roller coaster - for those afraid to take the risk of going on Six Flags latest death defying monstrosity, but don't want to lose out on the fun factor.  Pop a pill and put your hands in the air!! -- from the safety and security of the park bench near the entrance, of course.  I would suggest a pill form sex experience, but as anyone with half a brain knows, Digital Underground perfected the Sex Packet years ago.   Hmmmmm.  I think I'll pop one right about now, as a matter of fact.


Cordially Yours,


Sherlock.

I heard a story today about two men that got into a fist fight over which faith Jesus belonged to. One man knocked the other out. In the story, it read “when the two men exchanged blows…”, I guess it’s my eternal 13 year old mind that I can’t help but imagine the two men having a blowjob off, and one of the men lost by losing consciousness.

Your Pal,

Levi

I’m a blogger now. I’m going to spill the beans about all kinds of crap. What would anyone want to read about. Why aliens are obsessed with probing people anal cavities? I think that’s someone trying to demonize gay people. When aliens come down all they want to do is mess with your butthole. All the film makers that promote anal probe in alien stories should be ashamed of themselves. Speaking of film makers, what’s the issue with rarely being able to make a perfect movie? I’ve seen so many movies that are so perfect and then there is this scene or line of dialogue that just sucks. And then it gets back on track. I mean, I like most of these movies, but when it is your craft why can’t that one thing be fixed? Shit, I don’t know anything about that world, but I’m a blogger now. You have to listen to every god damn thing I have to say. Why do taste buds change when you get older? Or am I just making that up? When I was a kid mushrooms made me cringe in the corner, now I find them very delicious. As well with all the other good stuff I like now: Tomatoes, Spinach, Seafood, squash, broccoli, etc. Do our taste buds get worn down, or is it a mental thing? Whatever happened, I’m stoked that I like more stuff. I always wonder that about people who get their jollies of being the scene iconoclast. Like you’re an idiot for liking something. I wish I liked everything, you know how happy my life would be? I think it’s so cheap and fucking lame when people have to put up an image, even the ones that having “no image” is their image. You’re all full of shit, just because you don’t like it doesn’t make it lame. Unless I don’t like it, then it’s truly lame. Be happy is all I’m saying, and be happy for people that are happy. Eat a corn dog and take a nap.

Your Pal,

Levi

Adam reminded me of something I find very funny. Stupid songs that made a shit ton of money with obvious disregard to their content. “Walk The Dinosaur” by Was Not Was for example. Have you ever read the lyrics to this song? 

Boom boom acka-lacka lacka boom
Boom boom acka-lacka boom boom 

I love this modern take on a pre-historic dance call

It was a night like this forty million years ago – 

Hmm, it’s nice to know that 40 million years ago, it was a lot like 1988.

I lit a cigarette, picked up a monkey skull to go – 

Damn, cigarettes too? Not sure about the monkey skull, must be some pre-historic shit I don’t know about.

The sun was spitting fire, the sky was blue as ice – 

Ok, sun spitting fire, metaphor right? Last I checked, ice is not blue. My memory of 1988 is a bit fuzzy though.

I felt a little tired, so I watched Miami Vice – 

That usually puts me to sleep. It’s weird to think that Miami Vice was around that long.

And Walked the dinosaur, I walked the dinosaur. - 

Was this after Miami Vice? I’m usually so tired afterwards I can’t walk the dog let alone a dinosaur.

CHORUS:

Open the door, get on the floor – 

Do you open the door and get on the floor that your standing on, or get inside the door and then get on the floor?

Everybody walk the dinosaur -  

This seems tough after getting on the floor.

I met you in a cave, you were painting buffalo – 

Ok, I can dig this.

I said I'd be your slave, follow you wherever you go – 

alright, I follow ya, at least were in our perceived prehistoric idea.

That night we split a rattlesnake and danced beneath the stars – 

hmmm, sounds sexy.

You fell asleep, I stayed awake and watched the passing cars – 

alright, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? Cars?

And walked the dinosaur, I walked the dinosaur – 

is walking the dinosaur some sexual innuendo that I’ve been missing? Sounds more like jacking off to me.

CHORUS

*One night I dreamed of New York – 

Ok, fair enough….

You and I roasting blue pork – 

again with jacking off, this time with a friend.

In the Statue of Liberty's torch – 

woah, now were talking!

Elvis landed in a rocket ship – 

I like where this is going!

Healed a couple of lepers and disappeared – 

Wait, Elis Island is a leper colony?

But where was his beard?????* -  

Who’s fucking beard?Elvis?

A shadow from the sky much too big to be a bird -  

Hahaha, I thought he was going to say beard.

A screaming crashing noise louder than I've ever heard – 

sounds awful.

It looked like two big silver trees that somehow learned to soar – 

woah, this dude has got one hell of an imagination.

Suddenly a summer breeze and a mighty lion's roar -  

is this from the silver tree spaceship, or a feminine hygiene product and a mighty lions roar?

I killed the dinosaur, I killed the dinosaur -  

Man, I did not see this coming. Who knew that it would end so dark.

This dude wanted to write about walking a dinosaur, because that sounds pretty cool…I think we can all agree with that. He realized he didn’t know shit about Pre-historic earth, and decided to put some shit he saw on TV last night into the story. He got stumped on the next set of lyrics so he took a spank break, and then he wrote the chorus. A friend dropped by with some really good acid and the rest is history.

Many people approved this song from inception to number 7 on the U.S. Billboard Hot 100 chart. I guess if it made it that far it was worth the gamble, but seriously how so much of this stuff gets out there is beyond me. I’d accept it more as a stunt to show how stupid people are than considered a genuinely good idea. The next time you’re grooving in your car, the joke might be on you.

Your Pal,
Levi